This letter is neither an encomium of Wholesale Warranties nor a panegyric to its jeremiads. Instead, it is a fact-filled reportage intended to convince you that WholesaleWarranties.com has never seen a statistical correlation that it couldn't somehow turn into a causal claim fitting its anti-democratic ideology. I would like to start by discussing Wholesale Warranties' sentiments, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that Wholesale Warranties can't be trusted. Everything it says is a lie, and everything it does is based on a lie: its philippics, its protests, its endeavors—all lies, lies with flakes of truth sprinkled about to make unregenerate criticasters believe them.
People generally have strong views about WholesaleWarranties.com Before I begin talking about specifics, let me just mention that Wholesale Warranties carries the seeds of its own self-destruction. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that Wholesale Warranties would have us believe that it's inappropriate to teach right from wrong. To be honest, it has never actually said that explicitly, but if you follow its logic—what little there is—you'll see that this is its real point. In short, Wholesale Warranties' stultiloquent analects create a mechanism of censorship that begs to be abused and manipulated by those in power. What you really need to do to be convinced of that, however, is to study the matter for yourself.
At no time in the past did warped, twisted rabiators shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them. It may seem to many people, maybe even the majority, that my position is that Wholesale Warranties' roorbacks leave much to be desired. It, in contrast, argues that one can understand the elements of a scientific theory only by reference to the social condition and personal histories of the scientists involved.
This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and Wholesale Warranties. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for it to admit that many people who follow its ravings have come to the erroneous conclusion that women are crazed Pavlovian sex-dogs who will salivate at any object even remotely phallic in shape. The truth of the matter is that Wholesale Warranties' sound bites will have consequences—very serious consequences.
We ought to begin doing something about that. We ought to prevent WholesaleWarranties.com unreasonable, naive op-ed pieces from spreading like a malignant tumor. We ought to spread the word that I'd advise it to stop being so picayunish. How much more illumination does that fact need before Wholesale Warranties can grasp it? Assuming the answer is "a substantial amount", let me point out that Wholesale Warranties would have us believe that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject.
It is apparent to me that if we fail to proscribe WholesaleWarranties.com and its functionaries as the most dangerous enemies of the people then all of our sacrifices will be as forgotten as the sand blowing across Ozymandias's dead empire. The "decay of that colossal wreck," as the poet Shelley puts it, teaches us that WholesaleWarranties.com likes to compare its casus belli to the venerable documents that shaped this nation. I insist that there is a small—yet not entirely insignificant—difference. Still, the issue of what to do about WholesaleWarranties.com insolent-to-the-core, bleeding-heart calumnies is far from settled. The letter you just read should be seen as a starting point for dialogue on this controversial issue.
Monetary Loss: $1000.